10 Jobs I Could Never Have and Why

Today, I came home from class and running some errands and the last remaining roommate was packing up the car, ready to drive off into the sunset.  During the course of my day, they had all packed up, cleaned up, and shipped out.  The door closed after a tearful (on my part) goodbye, and it was officially Thanksgiving Break.  Thankfully, I had planned a fun-filled evening of cleaning the entire apartment, with sponges, Clorox spray and all.  Yes, I actually planned this in advance.  So I plugged in my Ipod and got started.  Not long after, I found out that I am a terrible housekeeper.  Mostly everything just grossed me out, and when I tried to clean the bathroom, water was everywhere! I think I spent 2 hours cleaning and the apartment is probably only 5% cleaner than it was before.  Clearly, if there were any job that I was not made for… this was it. And not only that, but there are several different occupations that I would be terrible at! Here are ten of them and the reasons why:

1. Maid – I end up gagging multiple times at the things under the couch, singing and dancing along to my music most of the time, and feeling accomplished after only one or two surfaces, leading to a break or even the need for a nap.

2. Rapper – Mostly because all the words I try to rhyme consist of a 2nd grader’s vocabulary. The bird said the word that he heard near the turd.

3. Stripper – For the reason that when I “dip it low”, I literally can’t get up.

4. Foot Model – Have you seen those puppies? My “boat feet”, as my loving sister calls them, are only balance, not for beauty.

5. Baker/Cake Boss – Because there would be no product to sell. It would all be in my tummy, and I would be extremely happy, yet clinically obese.

6. Actress – I think costars might become slightly annoyed by the fact that I would instantly fall in love with them.  Everyone I came into contact with would be love at first sight… I’m convinced.

7. Personal Trainer – For the pure fact that I would most definitely sit down in the middle of a session from the exhaustion of having to order someone around.  I would also possibly have taco bell or some other fast food in my hand the whole time.

8. Competitive Eater – I tried it last week and found out that pictures of me shoveling  multiple sprinkled Christmas cookies in my mouth are extremely unflattering, especially when I overestimate my abilities and have to wipe the cookie residue from my lips. woof.

9. Lady Gaga – Because my ass would creep its way out of that leotard in 2 seconds flat, and I would most definitely fall on my face in those new Alexander McQueen shoes… if you can really call them that

10. Nun – For obvious reasons (including that god awful habit)


Maybe in the future, I will be able to stop identifying jobs I would be bad at, and start finding ones that I am good at (hopefully, in the near future).  But until then, I am glad that I have this list reassuring me that my life is currently right on track!



I’m obsessed with those Hillshire Farm commercials, so here’s a little one to have fun with:

Hillshire Farms… GO MEAT!



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3 responses to “10 Jobs I Could Never Have and Why

  1. amy w.

    You should be a singer jackie!
    I LOVE it when you sing Moulin Rouge to me… you know all the parts.

    wish you were here to sing it to me right now…

  2. Sydney

    #6: A show-mance is not the worst thing in the world….they’ll cope. So, really, its still an option… (or at least that’s what I keep telling myself)

  3. porreca

    then you definitely couldn’t be lady gaga as a nun.
    she would dress that habit up like CRAZY!!

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